Day 2

This blog is meant to be a journal. I guess something I can look back at after I’ve been on this path for a while.

I’m a mother of two amazing little girls. I’m doing this for them. To break the cycle of mental health being untreated and ignored or self medicated in my family. After over a decade of dealing with anxiety and depression I finally decided enough was enough. After failed therapy attempts, breathing exercises, losing weight. I was finally over it.

I called multiple doctors offices trying to find someone accepting new patients. No one had openings for over a month. I’ve waited 10 plus years. I wasn’t going to wait another month.

Long story short, I found one and had my first appointment yesterday. The night before I told my 4 year old I had to go to the doctor. She looked at me and said “It’s okay, mommy. You have to be brave.” Then she rubbed my cheek and rolled over in bed and just like that I was tearing up.

Both ladies I dealt with at the doctor’s office were amazing. I was so worried that I wasn’t going to be taken seriously once again and be told to change my diet and be more active. I’m on my feet and walking at least 8 and a half hours a day at work and have lost nearly 100 pounds over the course of the last 6 years.

I started low dose Prozac and will soon start Hydroxyzine. I do NOT want to be pill shamed. I will not be pill shamed. This has been a long needed intervention for me. If taking a little blue pill in the morning will make me a more present mom, a more engaged employee. I will do it and I will no it without shame. Too many years I have suffered through. Pushing myself when all I want to do is run away. I’m done wanting to run. I want to be a kick ass mom. I want to stop hearing my brain noise 24/7 and hear what my daughter has to say about preschool.

Even though I am only on day 2 of the lowest dose of medication, for the first time in a long time I honestly feel hopeful for the future of my mental health. I was able to lay next to my husband last night and focus on what he was talking to me about. I was able to enjoy cooking dinner with my daughter helping. Maybe its a placebo effect. Right now I honestly don’t care if it is. We will just have to see where it goes from here.