Today was the first day at work since staring my anti-anxiety medication. I certainly felt different from what I normally do. While my hands weren’t shaking and my heart wasn’t racing, I had many people asking if I was okay. Which I was. Just not my high strung self that people are used to.
I know this is going to be a journey and nothing is going to be fixed within the first week. Not knowing how my mind will react to new situations or what to expect is difficult. I don’t do well with the unknown. I want to keep a positive mindset that this will work.
One thing I can say for certain is I know my home life is easier. Not to say it wasn’t before. I’m blessed with an incredibly supportive husband and my kids are kids. They are loud and crazy, but nothing I can’t handle. It’s been easier to enjoy my family time because my brain noise isn’t always butting in and taking center stage to my thoughts. I even found myself daydreaming instead of making lists of things I need to do or things I messed up or things that haven’t happened yet but should still be worrying about.
This journey is for me and my health. Trying to remove myself from work more to reduce stress. Trying not to think of the potential financial burden that comes packaged with that. The feelings of guilt and selfishness for wanting to do what I want to make me happy. I know when I’m in a good place my kids are in a good place and my relationship is in a good place.
This is a journey for me to not just fix myself, but to find myself again and find my passion again. Too long I have gone day to day filled with stress and anxiety, living for my next day off. Trying not to run out the front door at work when every fiber of my being tells me I should. Wanting to sit in a corner and be invisible so I can cry out all the emotions I try to hide from my children.
Guilt hits you hardest when you can’t help a break down in front of your little humans. Who try to comfort you when they have no idea why mommy is sad.
I’m glad I’m finally taking care of me. I don’t want to forget that and go right back to breaking myself down for sake of other people. My girls deserve a strong role model. I got this.
The Prozac Parent 