I followed doctors orders and upped my medication. I was scared it was going to make me one of those medicated zombies you’re always hearing about. Luckily that didn’t happen. My sleep has been decent.
Unfortunately Jonathan goes back to work this week. He’s been home almost a month since he had his heart surgery. Normally we work opposite shifts. I work early mornings and he works nights. We do the whole passing ships thing. As well as passing children. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about having him gone and going back to the old routine. Putting the kids to sleep by myself. Making dinner for them by myself. I love being with everyone at the same time. And now we go back to waiting 5 days till our weekend to be able to see each other and have quality family time.
My happy place is with my family. So much so it almost makes me hate having to be in the general public and working. Even without my anxiety playing a role, I just want to be with my kids. I think I could rock being a stay at home mom. I would like to say someday it could happen. If I’m honest with myself I know it won’t. Lillian is about to turn 2. Next year Audrey will be in kindergarten. My window for being that stay at home mom is quickly closing. I would love to have a 3rd baby if I knew I could be home. We no longer live in that day in age anymore. Even with one decent income the world is too expensive. Especially where we live.
As I’m writing this I’m coming to terms with that fact. I’ll never get to be the stay at home mom. My kids are growing too fast. We don’t have the money. No matter how much debt we have gotten rid of. There’s always more. I don’t even want to see what we are going to get hit with after Jon’s heart surgery.
But I have worked to get fewer hours at work. So I can sit here and pout or be happy that at least after a year of fighting I have gotten my hours down. And I can be happy that though we might be in debt for the rest of our lives, I will have my husband here longer because of this surgery. And though I might get some medical bills for my doctor visits, I am taking care of myself so I can be a better mom to these amazing little girls. That I got to take on a wonderfully relaxing walk today after preschool.
Life is not perfect. I’m not rich. I don’t have a big home. I don’t enjoy my job or have people banging down the door offering to help babysit. I DO have an amazing husband that worships me. No matter how jiggly I am. Or how much I roll my eyes at him. And I have children that are healthy and happy and know that their mom and dad love them. They have food and clothes and beds to sleep in even if they end up in mine.
I am blessed. With all this crazy. And this journey of life. I am loved. Something I never would have believed years ago.
Till next time.
The Prozac Parent 